If you've been reading my blog, then you know that I've had three surgeries in the past few months. On February 1, I had core decompression surgery on my left hip and right shoulder. On March 15, I had core decompression on my right hip.
Last week, I started walking again. It was sort of the grand finale' of it all and it was amazing to get to that point after being in a wheelchair for 3 months. But within one week of walking, it was very clear to me that things weren't much better. My left hip hurts and my walk isn't improving.
I'm not trying to stroke my ego, but I do have a high tolerance for pain. With my doctors and physical therapists, I am always asked to rate my pain from 1-10. Today, at a follow up appointment, I rated the pain in my left hip as a "4." I rated the pain in my right hips a a "2." And I rated the pain in my right shoulder as a "0."
The highest pain rate I've ever given was a "7" and that was when I was minutes away from giving birth to my daughter, with no epidural to subdue the pain. I hid the pain so well that they didn't even realize I was about to have her. It was a hurried delivery once I told them "it's time to push." Usually, the doctors and nurses are the ones who say that.
When it comes to sickness, I'm a huge baby. For me, being nauseous is the worst. I'd choose pain over sickness any day. And at this point in my life, I couldn't be more thankful for being gifted that type of tolerance.
Still, the pain in my left hip was enough to frustrate me and keep me from moving around as much as I would like. And often times, there was a fear that I would fall or that my hip would break. And in the last week, it's felt like it was on the verge of doing just that.
Still, I kept on trucking - picking up my children from school, decorating my children's daycare for Teacher Appreciation Week and covering events for work. I even went shopping this weekend got a pair of coral pants that I've been drooling over for a few weeks.
Each day, instead of feeling improvement, I was feeling more pain. And instead of my walk getting closer to normal, it was becoming more abnormal. I felt more fragile and unstable than before my first surgery.
At my doctor's appointment today, I had x-rays done on my hips.
The doctor came into the room and told me that my left hip has collapsed and that it is beyond repair. He told me that I would need a full hip replacement.
He explained that I could keep going on my hip and tolerate it as long as I wanted, but before too long, I'd need a new hip. It wasn't going to get better. It would only get worse.
I let that sink in and then I told him that I was ready for the surgery as soon as he could do it.
I saw the x-ray. My left hip looks horrible compared to my right. Since my left hip is where the pain first began in September of last year, I'm sure it's been deteriorating for a longer period of time. I had hoped (prayed & wished) that the core decompression surgery would give my hip new life ... but it didn't.
I thought that my surgeries had come to an end, but they haven't. My grand finale' lasted all of one week. It was a premature flop. Still, it was worth a shot.
Though it has been nice to be on my feet again, it's simply not the way I want to live my life. I don't want to walk like a zombie. I don't want to be lop-sided and pay $100 per shoe that would need to raised an inch to even out my legs. I don't want to stay on the couch, because I feel so fragile.
I want my life back.
I want to take dance lessons with my husband. I still want to run the Color Run(5K) in D.C. in September. I would love to return to coaching one day if my daughter ever decides to cheer. I want to be able to take my children out to the ball field to watch my oldest son play. I want to play on the playground with them. I want to travel.
There are just too many things that I still want to do.
I wouldn't be happy continuing to live the way I live right now. If that means that I have to have another surgery and have my hip completely replaced, then that is what I will do.
My doctor says that a new hip will correct the length discrepancy that is now in my legs, because one hip collapsed. Hip replacements have come so far these days. They are practically indestructible.
I have too much life ahead of me to always be as limited as I have been for the past 8 months of my life.
And I never want to give my family less than all of me -- even if part of me is going to be metal and ceramic.
I'm ready to become a bionic woman and show them my "card" when I set off a metal detector. I'm just ready to be me again.
"Your father knows what you need before you ask him. So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today's trouble is enough for today." -- Matthew 6:8b, 31-34